In fact I actually said to hubby "Forgive me, I'm just going to fall apart right now" & proceeded to cry, which he allowed for all of five minutes.
He's patient like that.
Then he said, "I don't understand why you are crying, a diagnosis doesn't change anything, she's still our baby girl, she hasn't changed."
He's strong like that.
What I couldn't articulate in that moment, while I was dripping and shaking and honking like a goose, was that it changed everything for me, because I could no longer pretend.
I could no longer pretend to myself, she was just behind, or needed more socializing. That she would get better or grow out of it. I had secretly been holding that candle close to my heart and as those papers slid across the table towards us, that little flame went out and it felt like all of my hopes and dreams had blown away like so much smoke.
Everything was falling apart around me, and had been for a while. A lot goes into a diagnosis.
I wasn't functioning very well. I was throwing myself into researching "cures" treatments and therapies. I was angry, depressed, terrified and sleep deprivation does terrible things to you both physically and .emotionally.
Getting over the diagnosis was really hard for me, I'm not sure I'm over it now.
There is no Post to Autism, No cure.
Eventually, I may come to a place of acceptance.
I've moved past my grief and fear and I've become a soldier.
Now I'm waging war against the invisible enemy who steals my child's smiles and interrupts her dreams at night.
The high functioning life is not for the faint of heart.
